Beauty and The Beast (A Sad Love Story)

Beauty and the beast
I made a pauper of a princess

I was beneath the animals,
Under a mountain of fear;
I wasn’t nearly good enough,
To escape the shame I deserved –
The shame I needed,
So I’m sorry and grateful:
Reconciling these two only humbles me more
But I was never humble before,
So the beauty only ever got the beast,
And not the prince she made me

I told you it was a sad love story
But it’s my favorite, so I’ll keep telling it.

It’s at The Center of The Labyrinth

Self-Appraisal, self-love, this, I say, is the holy grail,
The measure of our worth
For our’s is the only judgement we humans suffer;
We may think we are subject to the opinions of others,
But only insofar as we estimate their worth:
The lion does not lose sleep over the opinion of sheep – but of lions
And all is opinion, whether they be lion or not
It’s the mind that accepts or rejects,
And therein lies the power – to validate or invalidate oneself
For no one can take your dignity unless you allow them, and why would you do that?
Unless you didn’t own yourself, unless the poverty was within.
As above so below, as within so without
I’m here to tell you, we can be thermometers – measuring the external
Or we can be thermostats – controlling the internal
It’s all in the inner-appraisal, in the self-love:
Heaven and hell,
Happy or sad
Worth or worthless
Yes, I know, the way our parents talked to us became our inner voice,
And their parents them
But now, reading this, the poet, the one who points at the moon,
Invites you to re-appraise yourself and decide:
What are you worth and why?
Are the opinions of those who put others down to raise themselves up worth your happiness?
Is the opinion of someone who doesn’t even love you or themselves worth more than your own?
Are you a good person because you think so or because they do?
Do you like yourself because you do or because they do?
Do you not like yourself because you or because they don’t? Are they lions or sheep?
Are you a lion or a sheep?
Answer these and you’ll see the whole hologram – each piece reflecting the mind
Are you whole or is there a hole?
How do you fill it? With what? Why?
What are you looking for? What validation do you need?
Why? Whose? What will it take?
Why are you selling yourself short?
Do you have the same operating system as an adolescent does when their crush does not like them?
Why didn’t they like you? Were they right about you? If not, who gives a shit
What do you not like about yourself? Why? Is it worth your happiness?
Is it even a valid reason to live a lesser existence? (For this is the cost)
My friend, it is high time to remodel your inner-sight, so your values no longer castrate your joy…
And are you shallow? Is this your poverty? Do you wish you looked different?
Are you looking for someone outside yourself to show you how to love yourself?
It’s an inside job, you’ve been told this, they just didn’t tell you it takes courage
Maybe this is why you haven’t gotten it right… I bet you’re ready to…
Ask yourself what will it take, to love YOU while you are alive
It is you – you are The Living One – this is your only life with yourself….
So others didn’t appreciate you – you didn’t either
Drop your cross and polish your goddamn crown; trade your inner burdens for liberation,
Be brave: tell yourself the true stories behind your scars, and in them, you’ll find the understanding and compassion you need to love yourself
Not lust – not love for reasons that aren’t who you are – you deserve love for who you are
Humans need human love, a girl who used to love me told me this
Then she didn’t love me because I didn’t love me, but that’s how it works
Again, it’s an inside job, this inner-appraisal stuff
So it wasn’t passed down to you – they didn’t have it to give!
We live in a society of shitty appraisers, all measuring off some heartless corporate image of self
Look how many worship the orange one – it’s daddy issues as a collective neurosis –
Just like someone with a bad-dad drawn to bad-men, they want shitty daddy’s love
Do you really want that person’s love – because you’ll have to be ugly outside to get it – and even then you’ll find they don’t even have it to give
You need to let go of the love you weren’t given. And you need to understand why they couldn’t give it.
Do you need to look like Kylie Jenner? Or someone else? Is that your estimation of paradise, is that your hell?
Do you value others above yourself?
Do you have a standard of beauty and of worth that you don’t even live up to?
Do you think you even deserve love?
Why the fuck not – this is the grand question
I suspect the answer may have something to do with your position in this great big monkey tribe
For lesser monkeys in real monkey troops also have low self-esteem, owing to their lack of status among monkeys
But are we monkeys? Is the popular girl, the rich hot guy – are these our alpha dogs?
Are they worthy to lead us? Who are we idolizing? Why aren’t we worth that?
Why? What is it we value…
Maybe you’ll find the truth, that society is impoverished for want of shiny values
What’s really worth loving?
Not codependency via love from a surrogate mom or dad as unloving as your own
They didn’t know how… they didn’t have it to give!
Find that place where you want to cry in your compassion for them,
Then give it to yourself
Then share it, it’s true leadership to be full of love, to be secure
This is the courage, the bravery I want you to find
And I want you to design a love for yourself so whole and so deep, that it would require true – worthy of raising your children, worthy of being with you love to match it
Design that love
Deconstruct these false values
Design that love
When you do, and you will,
Then will you find it reflected back in another, but not before
They have to see it
Monkeys and humans are like that
And that’s our problem
So it’s a great big catch-22, where you have to have your license to legally drive to the DMV
But whose permission are you waiting on to love yourself?
And why can’t you give it to yourself?
What are you waiting for?
I’d say it’s you
Only you think it’s an outside power – it’s not
Love is an inner light
And when you have it, no one can cast so much as a shadow over you
This stuff takes work, but you’re going to do it
Because you are worth loving while you are alive
And if you don’t think so, know you will decide to be
I’ve already given you some of what I have, and it’s contagious
It spreads
So let this awareness, this consciousness grow
And never appraise your priceless heart again
Know
You can do it
I’m just the poet, the shaman, pointing at the moon
We don’t need LSD, we don’t need mushrooms, we don’t need anything
Just the courage, to love ourselves despite everything and everyone
Then they have no more power
And you might even consider giving them some of this
It’s the difference – this shift in you – it’s the difference between gas and solar,
Between a finite resource from outside, or an infinite, abundant resource from within
Let love lift you up, it’ll take you all the way
Are you really waiting to die to get into heaven?
Because love is the key, and you already have it, you’ve just let society hide it from you
YOU ARE SO FUCKING WORTH LOVING!!!
Don’t ever wait for someone else to tell you, and don’t ever forget
For this is the power, the kingdom and the glory, forever and ever
(It was never in gods, they just told us to look there)
Be a part of evolution, go ahead
Claim the love they told us to give to god,
But don’t think you have to make yourself a god, that’s just hiding the thing again,
You need to love your most human, temporary, fragile, delicate, precious self
Breathe it in, share it, smile, feel it, return to it
It’s inside of you, they just hid it with some clever oneupmanship over us
But we are the highest
Not as gods,
As humans
LOVING,
CARING
GENTLE
SWEET
SELF-RESPECTING –
For this is the question, will you respect yourself enough to love yourself?
If you can’t yet, get to work, for this is the pearl of great price at the bottom of your ocean
Under all the hocus pocus of religion and spirituality, under all the shame, under all the guilt, under all the pain of your childhood, under years of living with a corporate image of self, there’s a great creature under all of that – don’t let them tell you it’s in the sky, “.. or the birds will proceed you”
It’s here and now, and it’s your’s. Claim it.
For there is no other best version of yourself than that which loves yourself as a child, not of god, but of yourself – so stop trying to be god, you don’t need to be god to love yourself, that’s a trick.
We’ve fallen for it long enough, don’t you think?
And I’m not suggesting we go backwards, beneath the gods, but forwards, above them, past them, beyond them;
For we are the only gatekeepers in this vast universe
Let yourself in, the door is open.. the door is you

I promise, you won’t find it anywhere else, for it is nowhere else to be found, don’t let them tell you it is.

The only way out is in. It’s at the center of the labyrinth. This is the way home. Here. Now. You. Love.

Time Machine

We begin at twelve, in the the library,
Where I ask me to remember me
So that later, we can pick up my fifth grade dreams of solo sailing the sea

Then, at twenty-two, on the beach
I’d tell me not to forget my inner security
Which I am fated to externalize and lose twice more
For it was never instilled in me

Until now, returning to thirty three
Where I tell myself I am equally free,
To pursue beauty,
Knowing I am still me
And will always be

Do You Believe in Yourself

I feel there is a pervasive unconscious intelligence guiding everything

Making painful due sacrifices,
As in loves lost, and the pain that programs us

I have been given space,
I am alone as to why

Bruce Lee said it,
Actions, not words

Time tells
And the all in all serves something…

Why we are here
I have my techno-spiritual philosophies

And I can seek liberation –
But not from my will

“A man can do as he wills, but not will as he wills.”

We can follow our will,
Obeying our self-guidance-systems

But we cannot direct it:
It directs us

For, we are not merely computers;
We are specific programs…

Our hardware is our software
But there’s more than determinism –

Although Spinoza was correct,
Nature is god:

Genetics are just parameters, code:
We each have to fulfill our own

But the question is,
Will you believe in it?

So, do you believe in yourself?

So then: do You; believe in yourself.

;

“Trust thyself: every heart vibrates to that iron string.”

– Ralph Waldo Emerson

… And Things Do Happen

…I never saw myself the way other people saw me…
No matter how little I had, I always felt I was worthy…

Until they didn’t – and left,
And I felt worthless, alone

A cycle of getting recycled,
Repeated, 3-Peated

… Did it to myself,
Wanted to be loved for my worst qualities…

… and as the dust settles in hindsight,
How clear things become after the years…

Maturity, after all,
Being a more accurate perspective

That’s all – rivers and rapids…
We are often innacurate

… Blind for long journeys
Because we just don’t beleive…

…The world isn’t how we assume;
Different versions of the same program run on different OS’s…

… Your OS is superior in some ways,
Cripplingly behind in others

… But our updates always come in their time… don’t they…
As experience and distance grant – fate

… Oh how it helps,
Immensely; soul redeemingly

… Because when you learn how the game works,
You actually wannna play it – you actually can: well too…

… for, what else is there to do /
Feeling sorry for yourself gets old, hikikomori, puer…

… Butthurt because the world doesn’t see you like you see you…
Well… that’s actually your very problem…

… You need the eyes of the world…
Not the other way around…

… So you learn to grow up, late… like a lot…
Learn that dad shit

The stuff you’ll teach the kids,
The stuff you preserve like fire…

The positivity,
The optimism, the strength….

The confidence,
The acceptance

… Your power,
… Your weakspots

…no regrets… no grudges
… no time for either…

… And finally, the pursuit of your goddamn motherfucking potential,
(Yes, it really was always there)… you crazy, brave, long suffering bastard…

… Not giving a shit about the mundance
Working hard, otherworldly… always, all ways

Experiencing delight…
Having fun plans

A willingness to adjust to your dreams…
And to follow them like you’re brand new at 33…

… You’re finding the truth,
And it’s setting you free…

We need our anxieties…
Our pains faced make us see….

This is the journey,
… And things do happen…

For humans… like Wolves,
Also rise and fall

A Wild Dream

I had a wild dream,
I was on a bus, careening out of control, down a hill
I was, unknown to them, there to help,
An IDF special forces soldier sat beside me
And finally, we arrived in a valley
Children ran out, gnome-like, after us, as we filled into the grassy lowlands –
They smeared my hand with a blue paste, containing a psychedelic –
We were all being drugged
I wiped the paste off, warned the rest,
Then reinforcements came,
There was a hostage situation –
I grabbed the gun and shot the man
Then the leaders came,
I was a hero, yet they wanted me to accept their terms
To surrender
I asked for paper and pen,
Wrote down terms contrary to these global ends
And instead of accepting – I denied
And they wanted me dead…
I ran, I escaped
Jumped through wooden shutters
And I hung on a cliff, clung
There, a soldier came, with the high ground,
I grabbed him, throwing him over me, into the abyss
Climbing up, I ran to the back of a truck,
Driven by some unknown Krishna,
From whom I grabbed a shotgun,
Aimed toward the stage, and fired
They looked as I flew past,
Screaming out,
“Liberty and justice for all!”

And I woke up…
Amazed, knowing,
That god, consciousness, energy sees everything and into everything, sees all things,
And into their heart, bears witness to their inner character,
Where humans think they are alone.

It’s Just a Character Trait

Time to be sad every day,
The inner-child needs it
Time to lay in the dark and listen to the songs that hurt so good;
For we are sad – and not pitiably –
It’s just a character trait
“Not some broken thing”,
It’s who we are, who anyone is,
After enough time on earth…
When you’ve loved and lost enough
And still, you love too fucking much
There’s just a sadness only you know:
Sorrow
And it demands a lifetime of mourning,
For it must be lived.

Jules, Grendel, and Bubba

In every adult there lurks a child —
an eternal child, something that is always becoming, is never completed, and calls for unceasing care, attention and education, that is part of the human personality which wants to develop and become whole.

~ Carl G. Jung

The dragons were handed down:
Demons men before me didn’t slay

“Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains” –
Not quite, Rousseau

As I happen to know, vice is handed down,
Addictions run in families like rivers

And when the tide is high,
They overrun the banks and wash away all that is

And these pathologies, these addictions, these deficiencies, go deeper than chemicals,
They are attachment patterns

Love is taught,
By example

Imprinted upon us,
And sometimes we are left with a depression

Rather than an impression,
So life is like a game of chirades

Where we walk around oblivious to our own disfunctions [sic],
But find them in others instead

When Jung said, “there is no coming to consciousness without pain,”
He knew, you only get wet in the rain

And when you’ve suffered long enough,
You’ll come in

Bitter and cold and shaking,
But you’ll come in

And if you follow the keepers of the light,
You’ll find the keys hidden by the pharisees

And if you look within, vis a vis these keys,
You’ll have come into contact with a few creatures of permanent validity:

Shadow / the dark side:
A hairyman; iron john; grendel; edward scissorhands

Anima or animus (soul) / the bridge:
Inward self of opposite gender

And at the inmost…

Inner child / the light side:
Pure light; innocence; vulnerability

Each of these energies has many gifts,
Which you must utilize and interact with, but I say one above the others…

Yes, you need shadow and anima to be whole,
Between light and dark, masculine and feminine…

But without inner child integration into your psyche,
You can not have inner peace

And I’m no PHD;
Poet, but take it from me:

Inner child has the eyes to see,
Inner insight

Path to the light,
Ways to engage shadow healthily

Playfulness,
Anima needs – and ‘needs’ is the word

For inner child knows your needs,
But inner child also knows your wants…

We’re getting into some good magic here,
But there’s a catch

Inner child has long been neglected,
Ignored –

Which is not to say shadow and anima are without their wounds

They are very wounded,
But inner child must be freed, cared for, loved, adorned – firstly

Inner child knows the wounds of the shadow
And of anima too

But they know not the pain of the innmost,
Wounded, vulnerable, neglected inner child

Because if you’re going to be whole, if this life is to be worthwhile,
You need to spend more time with inner child than never or every once in awhile

Inner child needs safe space to play,
And a narrative myth formed by Self to make life a game

Self we have not touched on,
For this is the outer and I deal in the inner

But I say Self is the sum,
As balanced or imbalanced – between shadow, anima, and inner child – as we are

Do you see how useless words like ego are?
When we can touch, talk to, and listen to the wounded parts of what we are?

We are an animal: shadow
We are repressed expression, sexuality: anima
We are a divine being: inner child

And none of us are without these individual pieces of our selves,
None of us are free from mortal coil

Only we never have a map,
Are never taught the multiplicity of our being

And this is mostly Jung,
But it’s also everything I know

For I’m learning to dialogue with and integrate these parts of myself into me
Wolf Waldo Black, Lawrence Black:

My Anima is Jules
(After Julian Casablancas, also: pun on jewels)

My Shadow is Grendel,
(The beast in Beowolf)

My Inner Child is Bubba
(A child nickname from my Mom)

So this is me:
Jules, Grendel, and Bubba

We’re quite the trinity,
Holy you might say

When we work together,
Neglecting not another

Communicating through Self,
Me, running queries to each of these human softwares through the command-line of self-inquiry

Interacting with each,
Allowing each part to express safely through me

Because when I only listen to self,
I break my heart again, hurt them

And for Jules, Grendel, and Bubba – for me,
I’m sorry, but I can’t do that (robot voice)

As a postscript:

Quit looking for your “higher self” – if something or someone is ‘higher’ or ‘above and beyond’ your inner child, your priorities are fucked; look within or be without. The light has always been within you, rather it is you that have been without [yourself].

Okay, Okay

family loves me, friends love me,
everything is okay
have a house, bills are paid,
everything is okay
work and food on plate,
everything is okay
have a mission, a vision, a purpose,
everything is okay
am young l.cohen, young p.roth, young j.steinbeck – have exes,
books in progress,
everything is okay,
got poetry, renter’s insurance
everything is okay,
no court case, no warrants,
everything is okay,
am alive and well, take many vitamins, probiotics,
everything is okay,
warm clothes, soft bed,
everything is okay,
home again, in my head,
everything is okay.

And everything is going to be okay, okay.